I cried while writing this....I LOVE YOU MOM TO THE MOON AND BACK....

                              In school I’m sure we all have written an essay on “My Mother” but  do you ever wonder why we connect  the word ‘mother’ to the earth or  nature..?? I guess it’s because we relate the word ‘mother ‘with care and giving. But for some reason I wanted to look up for the exact definition on google (well let’s just say we all have the habit of ‘google’). I knew exactly what it meant for I have lived with one all my life. A mother is more than some woman who brings a new life to the world. Yes! God chose to give this right to women but I guess he introduced a little of himself to every mother, making them by default the most selfless creatures on earth. Love, care, tenderness, warmth these are a few words I can think of right now as I begin to attempt to describe Gods greatest creation that I’m so thankful of ‘MOTHER’.

                                I’m not going to jot down every detail or things my mom has done for me for if I begin to even try that I’d end up writing a novel, well that’s an idea…. My mom is 50 now that means she has spent almost half her age loving and nurturing me selflessly. Seriously 50 years loving someone like me and I ignore her at times for a guy I met recently or maybe because I want to hangout have fun with my buddies. My mother never got the chance to complete her studies as my grandpa died when she was eight and grandma struggled to bring up three kids so she gave up her education so that her brother could go to school…..and I am not exaggerating.

                                She is the cutest when it comes to cheering me up because I get upset and have mood swings and sometimes I lose my cool and shout on her not my proudest moment but she never complains. She is my bestfriend and actually knows everything about me even when I never sit and tell her things, she just knows…… from the favourite ice cream flavour to what cheers me up when I’m low….. well there is this puppy face she makes when I’m upset or angry about something random “my mood swings”…..you just can’t help but smile. She knows me not because she gave birth to me but because she chose to love me from day one no questions asked and she has never stopped loving me not even in my ugly times when it is hard to be around me.

                           Last week I was talking to her about how one of my friend is lucky to have a mother who can give her career advice and help her with it…..I didn’t realise it will stay with her as I was just talking and stating something without the realisation of what she would feel……. I have no idea if it hurt her. She brought a newspaper the one with employment news and circled out some options for me ……I cried that night realising how stupid I can be some time but she didn’t complain….well she never does. The thing is I know that I’m lucky to have her as my mother and I wouldn’t survive a day without her…… but I never say it out loud.

          

            “We all know that we can’t stay without our mothers but …..Do we say it enough??? “

                             

Jocelyn Wildenstein.

                    I've heard people talk about beauty but no one makes sense to me anymore because all they care is what they see and not about what's underneath. I recently came across with a story that taught me more than it touched my heart. Jocelyn wildenstein I'm sure you must have heard this name before somewhere or the other.....maybe in a news pop-up.She was known for her overgenerous life and extensive facial surgeries.


               


                      She met Alec. N.Wildenstein at a shooting weekend at the wildenstein's african ranch"Ol Jogi" and the couple got married when they were in their 30's.The divorce was "scandalous" as she caught him cheating on her with a 19 year old russian girl in their bedroom.

         Wildenstein went under the knife to get a more cat like look to please her husband  who was into big cats, despite of how bizzare the experiment went she feels extremely beautiful of herself showing an outstanding characteristic which is very much not like what we all would have felt. I honestly believe that this is the real example of a beautiful woman who is comfortable with her decisions and herself.


           she went through the surgery only to please another soul leaves us with the cruel example of how we all portray beauty as and leaves us with the question..... do we need to add on to our looks only to be loved better?.Isn't a beautiful heart who loves without bounds enough.....or do we need to turn into completely a different person only to get love. When did the concept of love get so complicated that it begane to erase the individuality of a person.
 Well in this opinionative world where in today's time women have a strong voice and are often sure about what they want.....we often lose ourselves in the process of loving another sol with all our heart, but what we should know is that no matter how big a bridge we jump there are some people who will never notice it lt alone take a step for us.love yourself because you are God's most profound creation.

Boundless LOVE.....

   People love and forget

 He came and never left

With all his heart loved another soul

For she was no better than a troll,

Every night he waited faraway

For once he watched her vague away,

The mornings were easy to roll

And the night came with a roll.

She was his only one

But her heart belonged to someone,

For one day she would realise

He dreamt it every night,

Love was real when they first kissed

But she never wanted to get hitched,

He was in love with her little things

But everyone thought it was just a fling.

Beside me you were always there

She noticed when her soul was lost elsewhere,

The pain much too small

For she was confused to smile or to hold,

Her soul had travelled everywhere

Forgotten and much repaired,

But when she woke up from the nightmare

He had no heart to spare.

URVASHI SINGH....There are a thousand reasons as to why you are my soul mate....

       

         On a cold winter night when the soul is darker than the night and the world seems an unfair place to be and hope a mith.....I'll be there. When in life we all are dealing with a lot of stuff and every person has their own baggage to deal with,friends will be your comfor zone and just a simple chit chat or maybe laughing on the crazy old days and how you still have not changed even a bit can keep you rollin.Friendship is a lot of things ...... but for me it's the greatest blessing from God.Beautiful.....,sexy ass smart ....hot.....weird....emotional...,well I could use a lot of adjectives to describe my bestfriend.But I can't because you see u need much more than a word to describe her crazy weird beautiful soul. 

      The best thing bout her is that she has the strenght and ability to fight for what she believes in and for the people she loves.

             This post is not to state how smart, witty and awesome my besty is or to acknowledge her achievements for if I were to write about that I'd start with my introduction...lol. Well I don't exactly know what this post is really about, but what I do know is that on a fine evening while having my coffee and listening to nothing but the pitter patter of the raindrops falling and it got me thinking about alot of things that has happened in is happening in my life and there is not a single time where my besty was not there to have my back or just be there to listen to me. Don't we all need that one person in our life..... yes we all deserve a friend to accompany us not to get through life but to enjoy and savour every moment of every step.

               I can't really remember when did we become so close ,knowing every tit bit about each other ...when did we become "bestfriends"? I don't remember the exact time and date ..lol but I do know that there were thousand distinct momenets that defined and made our bond stronger.10 years of friendship and it only made me realise if we only met yesterday we'd be just as close because time is never the deciding factor in friendship but only the moments.Love....hope....and all the essential ingredients to a happy life only came in handy when we bacame friends and it was the rocking kick ass times which defined us both today.

              our height of crazy weirdness is something only we both will understand as we're one of a kind. lol....from the time of that crazy night when Urvashi was on the phone and I fell asleep next to her and realising only when I actually rolled down the stairs (stairs to the study hall)....and when we had rum cake during the stay back in hostel during winter vacations and thinking we were high on that..... lmao...... and there was that time when we wanted to charge our mobile phones at night and ended up switching on the fans and lights of the entire senior wing (waking up the entire girls hostel)lol. The thing is I'm dead sure only she understood what moments I just talked about and the importance of them.... and only we both will understand and actually get that life is about having and living those moments that teach us life lessons yet leave us with heaps of never forgetting memories.

      Yes ...! we still and will always make mistakes when it comes to life but I do know that we don't need a man to fight for our happiness........we will always have each other. Babe .....we rock..!!

          

I WONDER WHY???....

            As I struggled to scribble something I had no idea what it was but just that I had something to       say…..to whom???  Well still on that chapter…..what??? I’m working on that sitting in my balcony with coffee and loneliness, and I couldn’t help but hear the chit chat of the ladies passing by discussing about an incident happened earlier today and as soon as I got what  they were talking about, I couldn’t see their faces…only vague figures and they  left with an impression that they were so troubled in their life that they found pleasure in talking trash about someone else’s life. And as I gained the sanity to realize that the kids were making a lot of noise for me to concentrate on my writing……well it kept me thinking I WONDER WHY???? It made any difference if the surrounding was  not a pin drop silence…did I need to be left alone with myself only to be captivated by my own thoughts.

                     The innocence of childhood is that it has no motive behind a fight; it only knows the present and keeps no track of the past. Childhood is like the vacation we don’t get to spend in today life….we only dream of it!! The beauty of living in a society is that you get to see different people it is like living and experiencing different life all together , the love that we witness in the couple taking a long evening walk for we only see the love and not what made there bond so strong….is it friendship that they share ???? or is it because they had a fight and decided to take a walk to keep it cool and be alone in the company of each other. Isn’t it sad that we take such interest in others life and forget to contemplate on ours.

                   I saw him and it was a complete bliss to watch that kid bring water for the old man who looked like he had just come walking miles and who could use some food and water…… I didn’t notice it in the first place and only when the little fellow decided to show the act of kindness…..it got me thinking ……why do we care only when someone’s watching or when there’s a reward in the line, why don’t the other see the torn heart of a widow mother who just lost a job and is worried how her children will sleep without food.

                I was heartbroken that I had a crappy break up and I have all the memory flashes that I’d rather burry then water, but the world had much more to deal with. A daughter whose father didn’t come to her wedding or the mother who couldn’t tell her daughter that the reason of her father not showing up at her wedding is the sad fact that he had no choice …..fate chose to present him the face off with death. Yes!! I cry at night knowing that the one I love is with someone else or maybe just lying alone, but I face morning knowing that the world is dealing with much more than they can handle and I can’t even imagine the worst case scenario as I’m lucky enough to only be saved a trouble to have an ungrateful ass out of my life.

          I wonder why we don’t notice the sadness that’s there in the world because if we only acknowledge it we’d know that we are blessed to have it going easy for us, and maybe someday we’ll be like the little sweetheart who without an ounce of selfish desire helped the old fellow. Sometimes in life people teach you a lot then what you could have ever imagined to learn in the most outstanding study of the human mind. In the end we all have it tough so why don’t we forget everything and take a walk by the sea and close our eyes for a moment and hear the unheard heartbeats.

Celebrate being a women.

  “Every women is beautiful in her own way”, yes! I believe so, not because it’s a beautiful set of words to convey to women only to make them happy but because I really think that there is no said exact definition or meaning of beauty in any language or dictionary. We all have made up an image as to what beautiful women should be like but is it really so???? How do you define beautiful eyes??? Or lips??? A beautiful body??? I guess we all are just following what films convey beauty as or maybe the poetry ….well sorry to break it to you….. the poets were human too???

           I want you all to take few moments and think about ….who told you about how beauty should be like!!!.... I asked myself the same question this morning looking at the reflection of me in the mirror. I BELIEVE IM BEAUTIFUL!!! In every possible way. The thing is no one can tell us if we are ugly or beautiful, God created everyone in his own image and so we have no right to call ourselves ugly or anyone else for that matter.

              In India I believe fair skin is looked upon as beautiful so……’fair and lovely’ is doing a pretty good business and on the other hand in other countries tan is in!! lol ….really!!! We are one crazy bunch of people who does not have mind of our own, we just fucking follow!!!

       Indian women have this notion that plus size women look sluty!! Whaaaat……. Lol like really…. Well once there was a comment directed to me by another PLUS SIZE!!! Woman……that girls who are busty are sexually involved….???? I still can’t get the relevance of that… well I was a virgin!!! And im busty and have a sexy ass…lol….well I’m proud of it.

     I just don’t understand being woman if we don’t respect and celebrate whoever and however we are….. Than we have no right to expect that men will. I like wearing whatever I want irrespective of the cleavage or the bra strap showing…. Let’s face it men know what a bra strap looks like; it’s not that we are sexually inviting for an intimate act. Well if a guy turns on just by seeing your bra strap than he is no less than a pervert.

    Well all I’m trying to say is everyone is entitled to explore their own sexuality it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a choice that no one will make for you. And also that no one in this whole fucking world can call you ugly…… next time a person tries to tell you how your eyes are not beautiful….ask that person to define beautiful eyes…….

I’m a plus size girl and no my skin is not fair but “I LOVE MYSELF” I think I’m gorgeous and I wouldn’t want to change a single thing about me for anyone in this whole wide world, because if given a chance to be anyone ….I’d prefer to choose “MYSELF” a thousand zillion times.

People sail the same boat!! ....Atleast once in their lifetime........

She stood still like a life like statue of a girl looking up in the sky with her eyes closed and raindrops falling on her face, still it seemed that she was crying even though the raindrops faded the pain away building a hint of smile and relief on her face as if she remembered the most heartfelt experience one that ruled her world once.

         Some thought she was heartbroken others thought she's just enjoying the cool. Don’t we all like to entertain ourselves with others misery or pain, makes us feel better about ourselves???? We’d be lying if we disagree, so we make guesses by what we see and not by what we know........there is no fun in that right??? 

          A beautiful girl is not always about the pretty smile or eyes.....or the sexy lips she is more than this.....a beautiful soul and an amazing heart maybe? A heart that dares to love, take chances and give her peace and....love a heartless jerk! Who once promised to keep her heart safe but instead stabbed it with the very own hands.   

           The world is an ungrateful place to be.....where hope is just a word in the dictionary where we all seem to know the meaning of it but nobody seems to understand it at all!!! And even in most heartfelt stories we sympathize with the victim even though we never really understand the intensity of their pain. We read a story and decide that it’s a ‘’sob story’’ without thinking that it had happiness too for every story once had a happy beginning, but why do we all see the sad? I believe we all somehow relate with ‘’ THE GIRL IN THE RAIN’’ because we all have been there and maybe felt the pain too. For if we have felt the pain… I believe we have lived!!

         She decided to love him all her life with all his imperfections and broken pieces, not that she wanted to but she couldn’t help it!!!..

To hope and our fucked up life!!!!

We often realise after we’ve done something….usually!....well life is uncertain and harsh  no one has it all….or is at peace!. How do I know?…well we all know that everyone is facing some bitterness in their life ,we all spend half of our life in the search of happiness  and the other half reflecting and regretting the things we could have done differently. The good news is that we all face our deepest nightmares at some point of life and if you think only you are crushed in the name of fate….well we all are fucked.!!!

        The truth is no matter how much sense someone talks , we all will always believe in happy ever-after maybe because we all like to have something to hold onto a tiny ray of hope in the name of happy ever-after just to get us through the day. When we all are dealing with life’s crappy games “the part and parcel of life”…..I guess it’s easy to just live or sleep on things when we somehow believe that things will get better, that someone will give a damn bout our pain, maybe treat us nicely or mean it when they claim to be in love with us……

    It was November it had to be, the sexy breeze, the lovely and cosy evenings just makes you somehow wonder what if there was someone to simply share a cup of coffee with, maybe share how your day went and how glad you are that you have them in your life….I’m just trying to say that it’s just easier sometimes to have someone in your life just to share your happy moments with …..Because we can cry alone but we can’t laugh alone…

I fell for the most self centered man …the ones you warn your sisters or daughters about, and the funny thing is it was right in front of me and I couldn’t see the truth like as if I was on drugs or drunk the whole time ….cause that would have explained all the things, or maybe because I….. like everyone else thought and hoped for the happy ever-after!!

 All I know now after the hard learnt experience that happy ever-after doesn’t really exist….not even after you meet your soul mate cause the truth is they will cheat on you someday… or maybe you will….or you’ll just grow out of love or be bored of being with each other that you’ll want to just run away from everything ….and so you’ll just end up cheating…the easiest potion available to gain moments of happiness and lifetime pain for the other.

The thing is I know that when you stop expecting for the happy ever-after you’ll be happy!! cause your life is not a fairytale …… the soon we accept the truth the happier we’ll be . Life is crappy ..yes! it is…but be glad for the little things and be that you are alive and healthy.

For it was November.

It was November it had to be...... for I was in love with winters, always have been.It was the best time of the year the beautiful refreshing mornings and the cosy evenings,everything about winters just lit a warm fire inside me,still does!  and forced an unending hopeless smile on my face like a school girl rewarded with a special treat. I can only tr to describe the love I feel ,but not for anything or anybody, I just love myself and how it makes me feel. This feeling is addictive like happiness or ask someone in love..... perhaps sorta like that but only better.

                         I woke up today and she noticed a mysterious smile on my face well my mom knew everything about me but sometimes even she had to dig deep. yes, I like to keep certain things to myself other things are just hard to hide for I always wondered if winter was a guy.....i'd fall right in his warm embrace and never leave,how he'll tease me with the cold breeze,brushing through my hair never leaving any space in between making me go in a trance I never want to wake up from. how will he react when he'll be angry with me , will he pour the merciless cold shower and watch me freeze and run and take me in his warm embrace......sometimes I just wonder if he'd hold my hand and look me in the eye when he claims to be in love with me, and I know I'd act like a stupid fool melting on the sound of the 'L' word. 
                      
                             I know its weird the way I love winters but its true that I'm hopelessly in love with the idea of it being a guy just because I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel and if my beloved would make me half as good i'll know i've lived a happy life for nothing in this world is as beautifully divine as true love.Like others even I  crave for it for one true love and, I think it's perfectly normal.

He broke up with me I didn't.

Well when I woke up today it felt like I was amputated for I could actually feel the pain in my heart,like actually feel it getting down to my gut. Guess with time this pain will go but what about the void promises and hollow memories you left behind.I still remember our last conversation just like it was yesterday , you were saying something about me being happy....and all I wanted to know was if you meant it every time... you said ''I love you''. I still can't believe that you don't love me not for a second, how can I ?? when you took everything away from me when you said that you never loved me....it was like as if my worst nightmare had come alive, it was the most hardest thing so far to make believe. I knew just what I have to do now...... I'm going to hate you and everything that reminds me of you....guess it's easier this way to hate love because every time I'm reminded of it I'm going to miss you so much that I'd want you,the whole of you not in parts but everything bit of you. I don't like my days without you but I'm keeping busy,today had to submit the short reports so the whole day just went working.......i got a new class assigned and I don't like it much the kids are cranky and mean lol......I know its not very nice to cal the kids that way but I do miss my class .It's like every thing I love is being taken away from me....well that's how life is.....I suppose  one day I'd look back and be reminded of the happy times with you for love I'll always love you even though you didn't ....and never will for you broke up with me and I didn't.

Do you still miss us.

Darling, 

       I still remember the first time I saw you its still fresh in my memory like it was yesterday. You were the highlight of my day then and its not much different now,meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. For you came in like a storm and changed my life forever, tell me love do you still remember the promises or was it just me listening your heart beats for all I ever wanted was for you to be there with me. Till today when I close my eyes I see you sitting in your study and fidling with your pen indulged in the deepest thoughts, how I wish there was a way to know if I cross your mind even for a second. Just tell me that you miss me too for I'm not doing well and I need to know if till today when you think of me you are reminded of love .Because you are all I need even when your not here with me love your thoughts keep me going. People say its over that it wasn't perfect and I'll get someone better for what they don't know is that noone else can make my heart smile without doing anything. darling have I told you that just looking at you makes my day and its a total bliss to see you cook for me , how you can stir my heart with your recipe of love. I wish people could see what we have for only if they knew what you mean to me I'd be called julliet or maybe just elli .....your elli. and one day another soul in love would compare her love with mine just because my love for you may not be perfect but its true. Darling i don't know what tomorrow brings but you've made my today a happy place to be and I can only attempt to match up-to what your love makes me feel.

your elli.