To hope and our fucked up life!!!!

We often realise after we’ve done something….usually!....well life is uncertain and harsh  no one has it all….or is at peace!. How do I know?…well we all know that everyone is facing some bitterness in their life ,we all spend half of our life in the search of happiness  and the other half reflecting and regretting the things we could have done differently. The good news is that we all face our deepest nightmares at some point of life and if you think only you are crushed in the name of fate….well we all are fucked.!!!

        The truth is no matter how much sense someone talks , we all will always believe in happy ever-after maybe because we all like to have something to hold onto a tiny ray of hope in the name of happy ever-after just to get us through the day. When we all are dealing with life’s crappy games “the part and parcel of life”…..I guess it’s easy to just live or sleep on things when we somehow believe that things will get better, that someone will give a damn bout our pain, maybe treat us nicely or mean it when they claim to be in love with us……

    It was November it had to be, the sexy breeze, the lovely and cosy evenings just makes you somehow wonder what if there was someone to simply share a cup of coffee with, maybe share how your day went and how glad you are that you have them in your life….I’m just trying to say that it’s just easier sometimes to have someone in your life just to share your happy moments with …..Because we can cry alone but we can’t laugh alone…

I fell for the most self centered man …the ones you warn your sisters or daughters about, and the funny thing is it was right in front of me and I couldn’t see the truth like as if I was on drugs or drunk the whole time ….cause that would have explained all the things, or maybe because I….. like everyone else thought and hoped for the happy ever-after!!

 All I know now after the hard learnt experience that happy ever-after doesn’t really exist….not even after you meet your soul mate cause the truth is they will cheat on you someday… or maybe you will….or you’ll just grow out of love or be bored of being with each other that you’ll want to just run away from everything ….and so you’ll just end up cheating…the easiest potion available to gain moments of happiness and lifetime pain for the other.

The thing is I know that when you stop expecting for the happy ever-after you’ll be happy!! cause your life is not a fairytale …… the soon we accept the truth the happier we’ll be . Life is crappy ..yes! it is…but be glad for the little things and be that you are alive and healthy.

For it was November.

It was November it had to be...... for I was in love with winters, always have been.It was the best time of the year the beautiful refreshing mornings and the cosy evenings,everything about winters just lit a warm fire inside me,still does!  and forced an unending hopeless smile on my face like a school girl rewarded with a special treat. I can only tr to describe the love I feel ,but not for anything or anybody, I just love myself and how it makes me feel. This feeling is addictive like happiness or ask someone in love..... perhaps sorta like that but only better.

                         I woke up today and she noticed a mysterious smile on my face well my mom knew everything about me but sometimes even she had to dig deep. yes, I like to keep certain things to myself other things are just hard to hide for I always wondered if winter was a guy.....i'd fall right in his warm embrace and never leave,how he'll tease me with the cold breeze,brushing through my hair never leaving any space in between making me go in a trance I never want to wake up from. how will he react when he'll be angry with me , will he pour the merciless cold shower and watch me freeze and run and take me in his warm embrace......sometimes I just wonder if he'd hold my hand and look me in the eye when he claims to be in love with me, and I know I'd act like a stupid fool melting on the sound of the 'L' word. 
                      
                             I know its weird the way I love winters but its true that I'm hopelessly in love with the idea of it being a guy just because I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel and if my beloved would make me half as good i'll know i've lived a happy life for nothing in this world is as beautifully divine as true love.Like others even I  crave for it for one true love and, I think it's perfectly normal.

He broke up with me I didn't.

Well when I woke up today it felt like I was amputated for I could actually feel the pain in my heart,like actually feel it getting down to my gut. Guess with time this pain will go but what about the void promises and hollow memories you left behind.I still remember our last conversation just like it was yesterday , you were saying something about me being happy....and all I wanted to know was if you meant it every time... you said ''I love you''. I still can't believe that you don't love me not for a second, how can I ?? when you took everything away from me when you said that you never loved me....it was like as if my worst nightmare had come alive, it was the most hardest thing so far to make believe. I knew just what I have to do now...... I'm going to hate you and everything that reminds me of you....guess it's easier this way to hate love because every time I'm reminded of it I'm going to miss you so much that I'd want you,the whole of you not in parts but everything bit of you. I don't like my days without you but I'm keeping busy,today had to submit the short reports so the whole day just went working.......i got a new class assigned and I don't like it much the kids are cranky and mean lol......I know its not very nice to cal the kids that way but I do miss my class .It's like every thing I love is being taken away from me....well that's how life is.....I suppose  one day I'd look back and be reminded of the happy times with you for love I'll always love you even though you didn't ....and never will for you broke up with me and I didn't.

Do you still miss us.

Darling, 

       I still remember the first time I saw you its still fresh in my memory like it was yesterday. You were the highlight of my day then and its not much different now,meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. For you came in like a storm and changed my life forever, tell me love do you still remember the promises or was it just me listening your heart beats for all I ever wanted was for you to be there with me. Till today when I close my eyes I see you sitting in your study and fidling with your pen indulged in the deepest thoughts, how I wish there was a way to know if I cross your mind even for a second. Just tell me that you miss me too for I'm not doing well and I need to know if till today when you think of me you are reminded of love .Because you are all I need even when your not here with me love your thoughts keep me going. People say its over that it wasn't perfect and I'll get someone better for what they don't know is that noone else can make my heart smile without doing anything. darling have I told you that just looking at you makes my day and its a total bliss to see you cook for me , how you can stir my heart with your recipe of love. I wish people could see what we have for only if they knew what you mean to me I'd be called julliet or maybe just elli .....your elli. and one day another soul in love would compare her love with mine just because my love for you may not be perfect but its true. Darling i don't know what tomorrow brings but you've made my today a happy place to be and I can only attempt to match up-to what your love makes me feel.

your elli.